


In Darkness, Light

by almostjulie



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Family, Force Trees, Gen, M/M, various interpersonal relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 06:53:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10848735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almostjulie/pseuds/almostjulie
Summary: Poe tries to put his life back together after his interrogation. He’d settle for a decent night’s sleep even. Maybe a trip home will help.





	In Darkness, Light

**Author's Note:**

> There are references here to some non-movie canon, including _Shattered Empire_ , the _Poe Dameron_ comic, and the _Flight Log_ , but none of them are required to follow along. This is Poe-centric, but there’s a Finn-centric companion/sequel in the works. 
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr](https://starshipsandhighseas.tumblr.com/) if that's your thing.

Poe woke abruptly, gasping. He sat up until he remembered where his was -- just his room on base -- and then laid back down and counted his breaths until they were steady again. He hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since the _Finalizer_. Kylo Ren invaded his dreams, pushed into his head, until he woke, with a pounding headache. None of it was real, of course, but Poe still couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d failed, over and over again, in his sleep. And, so, he increasingly didn’t sleep. 

Which was fine, he told himself. He had stims to keep him up when he was flying, which had the added bonus of the dreamless crash after. And when he wasn’t flying there was plenty to do around base: paperwork, training exercises, repairs, the list went on and on. Visiting Finn in medbay was a good distraction, too, though Finn was scheduled to be discharged later today. Finn had formally accepted General Organa’s offer to join the Resistance, and would be shadowing Connix in Command until his PT was done and he could think about going back out into the field. 

Tonight the distraction was _Black One_ ’s paint job. She’d gotten a little banged up the last time the squadron went out and the paint on the nose needed a touch up. It was quiet, methodical work, until Snap found him in the early hours of morning. “Working kind of late, aren’t you?”

Poe didn’t take his eyes off of the orange strip he was painting. “So are you.”

“I’m on the overnight shift. I know you’re not.” 

“So you’re here to lecture me?” His pilots knew better than anyone on the base what kind of hours he had been keeping. Mostly, they’d given up trying to talk to him about it.

Snap sighed. “I’m not.” 

“Good. Then hand me that brush.”

They worked side by side, until the sun was rising and shifts were changing. Poe yawned and Snap’s stomach growled. “You should head to breakfast. I’m about done here.” 

“Sure.” Snap said. “Breakfast then sleep. No lectures, but... you might want to think about getting some sleep, too.”

He knew Snap was right, but he just grunted in response. Then thought better of it. “Hey Snap?” he said as the other man was leaving. “Thanks.” 

Exhaustion got the best of Poe, and he slept for a few hours, until the late day patrol. He took Blue Squadron up on a mostly uneventful tour of the system, and after they landed, and he made sure his pilots were squared away, he headed to medbay. Finn’s bed was already empty, the medical droid on duty scolded him about patient confidentiality when he asked when Finn had been discharged. 

He raced to Finn’s new room assignment.

“Hey! Meant to catch you before you left medbay, but one of Pava’s engines blew and we had a tricky landing.” Poe was still in his flight suit, stale cockpit air clinging to him. He suddenly felt unsure, standing in front of Finn’s door like this. They had established a routine of visits while Finn was in medbay, but now everything would change.

Finn turned a warm smile on him.“It’s okay, Poe. I did just see you last night.” 

“Still,” said Poe, “I should have been there. You’re settled in okay?”

“Yeah,” Finn said, and gestured to the bare room behind him. “Got all my things unpacked.” 

Poe looked in -- standard issue everything, and absolutely nothing fun. “We’ll have to work on that. Anyway, let me get cleaned up, and then we can grab something to eat?” Off of Finn’s nod he continued, “I’m just around the corner. First door on the left. Give me ten minutes.” 

A few heads turned when they walked into the mess. It was only natural, Poe thought, that some of them would be curious. Everyone had heard about Finn, how he was the key both to the map to Skywalker and to the destruction of _Starkiller_. He saw Finn notice too, and how he hesitated for half a second, so Poe grabbed him by the elbow and lead him to a table with some familiar faces around it. Finn knew several of the pilots fairly well, as Poe had brought them around to medbay while he was recuperating. They nodded back when Finn greeted them, “Hey Iolo, Karé. Jess, heard you had a little trouble, glad to see you in one piece.”

She threw a biscuit at Poe and rolled her eyes. “Dameron exaggerates. I’m fine.”

“Your X-wing’s not, though,” Iolo said, and earned himself a biscuit to the head of his own.

“So how does it feel to be officially out of medbay?” Karé asked. 

“Good,” Finn answered. He leaned over to Poe, though, and said, more quietly, “Is it just me or are a lot of people staring at us?”

Poe looked around the mess, and confirmed that Finn’s admirers were still, in fact, looking. He laughed a little before turning back to Finn. “They just want to see what a hero looks like.” Finn blinked a few times. “Relax. They’ll get used to you soon.” 

“Hey, Finn,” Iolo said, handing him a bright yellow fruit, “try this. The food in medbey is bantha shit.” 

Poe watched as Finn warily took and then tried the fruit, and felt something warm in his chest as the look in Finn’s face changed to pleasure. After Iolo’s success, nearly everyone at the table offered Finn a taste of something, just to see his reaction. 

Their table lingered late in the mess, until the service droids kicked them out. Poe walked with Finn back towards their quarters. “You want to hang out awhile? We can watch that old Coruscant murder-mystery Karé mentioned at dinner.” Poe wondered internally if he was asking because he wanted to spend time with Finn, or whether he was selfishly looking for a reason not to be alone when he knew he wouldn’t sleep.

“Yeah, I’d like that, let’s--” Finn’s response was cut off by his yawn. “Actually, it was kind of a long day for me? And it’s my first day on duty tomorrow, don’t want to be late.” 

“Of course, buddy, that’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Later, Poe would stare at his ceiling and wish to the stars that he would stop waking up in the middle of the night. He was back in the hangar before sunrise anyway.

****

Over the next several weeks, Poe and Finn settled into a new routine: breakfast together with Connix and whoever else was around, then their separate workdays. Finn would usually come find Poe in the hangar in the late afternoon, and they would go to dinner. That first night aside, Finn had come over nearly every night to watch episodes of the murder-mystery. They both were hooked. And every night, Finn would leave, and Poe would wake up sweating in the middle of the night, brain feeling scrambled and shaken.

Once again, Poe found himself awake far too early. He wandered around the base, until he settled on the big window just outside Command that overlooked the landing field, watching the storm outside.

When it rained here, it poured for days: thick heavy sheets that turned the whole world gray. 

Poe wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there when Finn came up beside him. “There was some weather stuff in sims but nothing like this.” Finn had spent most of his life inside of star destroyers. His one base assignment -- _Starkiller_ \-- had been too cold to venture outside, and too barren to want to. 

Poe stood next to him, silent, shoulder close enough that they would touch if either of them swayed a millimeter. 

“Rey would love it.” 

“Any word from her?”

Finn nodded slightly. “I got a comm a few days ago. She sounded hopeful that they’d be back soon.” Rey and Luke Skywalker had been scouting around the Outer Rim, chasing down leads on the Knights of Ren. So far they’d had no luck.

“You’ll see her soon, I’m sure,” said Poe. 

“Yeah.” Finn agreed. “It’s been too long. I was still in PT last time she was here.” 

They stood together a while longer, listening to the rain beat against the transparisteel, until Finn’s shift started.

On their way to the mess that night, Poe remembered he left his data pad in the hangar, so they swung by there before dinner. “So this one time, L’ulo and I have, like, six or seven TIEs on our tails, right? And I’m banking and weaving but we’re just not shaking them, and so then L’ulo--” Poe stopped his story when he realized that Finn had stopped paying attention. Stopped walking, too. In fact, he was just staring straight ahead, at the far wall of the hangar. 

Poe followed Finn’s line of sight and rolled his eyes. “Pava! How many kriffing copies of that thing do you have?”

“Wasn’t me, boss.” 

Poe looked around the hangar. Bastain threw his hands up in surrender. “Not me, either. you tore down my last copy when you got back from the Megalox Beta mission.” 

Poe’s gaze finally settled on Karé, leaning against a tech kit, smirking. “Yolo just printed us up a fresh batch.” 

He walked over to where the mock recruitment poster was pinned to the wall and tore it down, balled it up and threw it at Karé. “Why do you all insist on doing this to me?”

Karé just shrugged. “Lots of new faces around these days. Finn hasn’t seen it, we didn’t want to deprive him.” 

Poe was going to have the scour the whole base again for these things. “Where is Yolo? I’m going to kill him.” Yolo was responsible for the kriffing posters. Everyone in the hangar denied any knowledge of Yolo’s whereabouts. They’d probably deny even knowing him, if they could.

“There’s definitely a story here I need to hear,” Finn interjected, sounding far too amused. 

Poe felt his face flush. They were just a stupid joke, but he wasn’t sure how to explain the posters to Finn without coming across as conceited. He could never figure out when someone had snapped the picture of him that Yolo used, but he looked like he’d stepped off the cover of a kriffing romance holonovel. 

Finn pressed on, grinning at him wickedly. “Come on, Poe. I figure you could tell me... or I could just ask Jess.” 

Poe considered his options, looked over at Jess, who had a satisfied smirk on her face, then back to Finn. “Fine. So we don’t _really_ do recruitment posters here, kinda cuts against the whole not-officially-existing thing,” Poe began, as they headed out of the hangar. 

****

“So now there are 100 brand new posters, so I’m sure you’re bound to see at least _one_ before Poe tears them all down.” Poe buried his head in his hands as Finn relayed the story to Rey. 

Rey grinned at both of them. “I’ll keep an eye out.” 

The three of them were sitting around a table in the mess. The chase after the Knights of Ren had proved to be frustratingly fruitless so far, so Luke thought it best that they come back and train until they had some better intel. 

They chattered back and forth: about Finn’s work, about all the planets Rey had been to, about flying. “The _Falcon_ ’s great, but I’d love to get up in an X-wing.” 

“So stop by the hangar sometime, we’ll find one for you to borrow.” 

Rey’s eyes went wide. “Yeah?”

“Sure,” said Poe. “You said there was one in your flight simulator right? Sims are great but there’s nothing like flying the real thing.” 

When they launched into a discussion about the relative merits of the T-65 and T-70, Finn grumbled good-naturedly, “Ugh, why do my two best friends have to be pilots?” until Skywalker appeared at the entrance way and nodded at Rey. 

“Gotta go,” she said.

“I’m going out in the field,” Finn told Poe when she left. 

“Yeah? The tedium and endless paperwork of Command finally get to you?”

Finn took a bite of his toast. “I _like_ Command. I just feel like I might be able to do more good in the field.” 

“General Organa thinks your brilliant mind was made for Command.” Poe gestured with his fork for emphasis. “ _Lieutenant_ Finn is clearly just a stop on the way to bigger and better things.” 

Poe watched as Finn scratched at the back of his neck in a way Poe noticed he did when he was embarrassed about attention. “Still. I know I’m good with a blaster. And this mission came up, so I volunteered.” 

“So what’s the mission?”

“Setting up a security perimeter for some Hosnian refugees at their new colony. Low risk.”

“But not no risk.”

Finn shrugged. “That’s true of anything we do, right?” 

****

Bastian and Snap were escorting Finn’s Pathfinder troop on the refugee mission. Poe came to see them off, and Finn gave him a quick hug before he boarded the transport. Snap socked Poe in the shoulder soon after. “Relax, we’ll take good care of him.” 

“He can take care of himself,” Poe replied. He was worried about Finn, the same way he was worried about anyone he cared about going out on a mission. But he had the utmost confidence in Finn, and Finn was right, it _was_ a fairly low risk mission. Poe only felt a little guilty that, on another sleepless night, he’d gone down to command and convinced the officer on watch to let him look over the mission dossier. “He’ll probably end up taking care of you,” he shouted at Snap as he closed the canopy on his X-wing. 

Thinking he wouldn’t worry too much and actually following through with it, Poe learned, were two very different things. He could keep himself busy during the day, but Finn’s absence seemed to compound his sleeping problem, and he woke screaming the first night, visions of Kylo Ren’s fingers reaching in to his mind lingering long after the dream ended.

Six days later, Finn was back, and Poe was waiting for him outside his debrief. He knew he looked like shit, with dark circles under his eyes, and he felt like he might collapse at any moment. The first words out of Finn’s mouth were, “Poe, you’re not okay.” 

“You’ve seen me look worse.” 

Finn fixed him with a long look. “So that’s the standard then, torture? Can’t be concerned about you unless you’ve literally been through torture?” 

“No, it’s just. I’m a little tired, is all.” He collapsed against Finn, weight heavy against his side. 

Finn wrapped an arm around his waist. “When did you last sleep?” 

“Eh,” Poe gestured vaguely with his hand. “You know.” 

“No, I really don’t.”

“The night you left,” Poe said. “I got a couple hours that night.” 

“That was nearly a week ago.” Finn started hauling Poe in the direction of Poe’s room. “Poe Dameron, I’m taking you to bed.” 

Poe had to bite his tongue to keep himself from staying something stupid. Instead he said, “Mission went well.” 

“Yup.” Finn said, as he dumped Poe in his bed. “I’ll tell you all about it after you get some sleep.”

When Poe finally crashed, he slept for two days. A dead to the world, dreamless sleep, but not particularly restful. The first thing he did when he woke up was look for Finn. He found him in the gym. 

“I was an ass the other night.”

Finn didn’t look away from his punching bag. “No, you weren’t.”

“Finn, if I’m being an ass you can call me out on it.” 

Finn stopped punching, wiped the sweat from his brow. “Fine. You were an ass. But, I mean, we’re friends, right? If you can’t be an ass around your friends occasionally, why even bother having them.” 

Poe’s heart skipped a beat. “You are way, way too good a friend.” He held the bag and gestured for Finn to start punching again. “So, tell me about the mission.”

****

“You trust me?” Rey asked for the fifth time.

“You’re a friend of Finn’s, Bee adores you,” BB-8 interjected with a beep of agreement from where it was already waiting in _Black One_ , “and by all accounts you’re an excellent pilot. That’s all I need to know.” Poe handed her a helmet. “Any of you want to escort Rey on her first fighter flight?” he shouted toward where several pilots were congregated on the other side of the hangar. 

Jess practically bounced over. “Sure, boss, always happy to fly,” she said, as she grinned at Rey. “Ready to go?”

“Absolutely.” 

“Great!” said Jess. “We’ll start out in atmo and then once you get the hang of it we’ll check out some of the other moons in the system.” 

Poe played sabacc with Finn until Rey and Jess came back, well after sunset, both of them looking flushed and happy. “Nothing like flying to work up an appetite,” Jess said, as she hauled Rey away toward the mess. 

Finn just raised an eyebrow to Poe and shuffled the deck. “Another round?” 

****

Poe was flat on his back under _Black One_ , covered in engine grease, when Threepio found him. “Sir, General Organa requests your presence in her office.” 

Poe had nothing scheduled with the General and he was technically off duty. Unannounced meetings in General Organa’s office usually meant last minute missions, often highly dangerous and under cover. They usually meant that the Resistance would deny involvement, and he was on his own if things went screwy. The Jakku briefing was the last time Threepio had passed on the same request. 

So Poe figured it was important, and didn’t change, just wiped the grease from his hands as best he could and rushed out of the hangar. 

When he got to her office, Poe was surprised to see not just General Organa, but Luke Skywalker and Rey, too. The General was sitting behind her desk with her legs curled up under her, a slightly amused look on her face. Luke was perched on the edge of the desk, face unreadable. And Rey was leaning against the wall, with a smile so bright Poe thought she might burst. 

“Commander Dameron,” General Organa said. “My brother and his Padawan are in need of a pilot.” 

Poe stood of a little straighter. “Of course. But, respectfully, I don’t really understand why two of the best pilots I know need me -- doesn’t seem like the best use of resources.” 

Luke glanced at his sister and something passed between them that Poe couldn’t discern. “Sure, we don’t _need_ you. I just thought it would be rude to show up at Kes’s door without his son,” he said. “But if you don’t want to come, I’m sure we could handle the flying.” 

That was how Poe learned that Luke and Rey were going to visit his mom’s tree. 

Poe lingered when the meeting broke up. “This feels suspiciously like I’m being grounded again, General.” 

He had run into her far too many late nights and early mornings. General Organa didn’t sleep much these days, either, but her role was primarily on the ground not out in the field, and she had more than once expressed concern about his lack of sleep, but so far hadn’t taken any serious action about it. Poe knew, though, that it was a calculated risk: the Resistance’s need for his piloting skills against the possibility that his condition caused a screw up.

Leia walked him to the door. “No, Poe. This is a mission. Still, try to get some rest while you’re there, hmm?”

****

Finn was back out again at the Hosnian colony when they were scheduled to leave. Poe had been hoping he would get back, and he could somehow convince the General that Finn should come, too. Something in him wanted Finn to see his home, especially since Rey was going. Instead, Poe recorded a holo for him. 

Of course, Jess chose that day to be early to a squadron meeting for the very first time, and Poe was still in the middle of recording when she barged into his quarters. “Oh, man, you’ve got it bad for him, don’t you? You really should tell him.” 

Poe groaned inwardly. “One of the things I miss about the New Republic Navy is that my underlings showed the proper amount of respect.”

“Oh, please,” said Karé, as she and Iolo joined them. “We didn’t respect you then, either.” 

“Loved you,” Iolo chimed in. “Always. But I don’t know about respect.” 

BeeBee beeped indignantly on Poe’s behalf. The rest of them just laughed. Poe sent the unfinished holo to Finn’s datapad before he left for Yavin 4.

****  
Poe landed the transport in the fallow field by the koyo orchard; they had discussed taking the _Millennium Falcon_ , but ultimately decided that it was best to take something more nondescript, or as Luke had put it during their meeting, “You really think we can land the _Millennium Falcon_ without drawing a crowd?” Yavin 4 was a relatively young colony, but the majority of its population were old members of the Rebellion. 

Kes Dameron was waiting for them when they landed, steps from the transport gangway. He reached for Poe, and pulled him into a tight hug. “You’re staying a little longer this time, I hope?” Kes said into his ear. Poe just hugged him back and didn’t make any promises. 

The last time he’d been home, right after Jakku, he’d nearly intended to stay for good -- as long as that ended up being. He’d failed his mission: lost Beebee, lost Finn, and doomed the galaxy. Kes had greeted him with a hug that time, too -- took one look at him and insisted they head to the hospital in town. Instead, he’d commed back to base as soon as his dad let go of him. Poe had intended to warn them of his incredible failure, but he was given the news that Bee had just been spotted by one of the Resistance’s droid operatives on Takodana, and that the squadron was being scrambled there. Kes barely had a chance to get a bacta patch on his temple before Poe was jumping in _Black One_ to intercept with his pilots. 

Kes politely shook Rey’s hand when Poe introduced her, then turned to Luke and gave him a hug, too. “It’s been too long.”

Luke gave Kes a rueful smile. “I’ve been getting that a lot lately.” 

Poe watched as Kes and Luke eyed each other carefully. Poe had forgotten how often Luke would come to visit when he was younger. About once a year he would stop by, sleep on their couch, and meditate under the force tree for a few days. In those days, like any child in the galaxy, Poe had dreamed of being Jedi. His eyes had widened in wonder when his mom introduced him to Luke for the first time. But the wonder changed to boredom as Luke would just sit, stock still, under the force tree for hours on end. Which is not to say that Poe lost interest in Luke, or his visits -- the Jedi would always fly something interesting to Yavin 4, and while Luke spent his hours under the tree, Poe would spend hours crawling all over whatever starship Luke had flown in. 

“Come on,” he said to Rey, as Luke and Kes continued to size each other up. “I’ll show you why you’re here.” 

He walked her through the orchard, past the runyip paddock, toward the house, until--

“Wow.” She breathed, as she came to an abrupt stop. 

“It is pretty amazing, isn’t it? I’m not sure why Luke decided we should keep it, but I’m glad he did.”

“It’s beautiful,” Rey said, and that was the best way to describe the force tree: beautiful. It may have been smaller than the jungle trees that surrounded the ranch, but it was still much larger than any of the trees in the orchard beyond it, with a wide, wide trunk, twisting branches that seemed to reach for the sky, and broad, green-blue leaves that practically glowed in the sunlight, and, later, would shimmer in the starlight. 

Rey placed a palm against the tree and looked back and Poe. “Wow,” she said again. “It feels so, I don’t know how to describe it. Alive? But more. You know?” 

Before Poe could respond, Luke was there, so Poe slipped away, and let them get started. 

****

Poe woke, heart racing and out of breath, any slight hope he might have had that sleeping in his childhood bed might help instantly gone. He tiptoed out of his bedroom, hoping not to wake anyone, but there were low, serious, voices from the kitchen, and saw the light on as he walked down the hall.

Kes and Luke were hunched over a bottle of Kes’s home brew moonshine. They both looked up when he came in the room. His dad started to get up, but Poe gestured him to sit. “Sorry, couldn’t sleep. Just going to get some air.” 

As hot as it could get during the day, nights on Yavin 4 were chilly. Poe sat on the back porch, watching the force tree and shivering a little. The voices from the kitchen an indistinct murmur, mingling with the calls of the whisper birds and the woolamanders. 

“I’m about to turn in, you need anything?”

Poe looked up to where Kes was standing in the doorway. His father had a strange expression, and was a little glassy-eyed. “No, thanks. I’m gonna head in soon myself.” 

Kes hesitated. “It’s good to have you home, even if it’s just for a little while.” 

“I’m sorry I’m not here more, I--” 

Kes threw up his hands, “No, no. I’m not trying to guilt trip you.”

“Night, Dad.” 

Kes hesitated a moment longer, then he was gone. 

Rey found Poe the next morning, curled around a cup of caf. She poured herself a cup and peered at him across the table. They both looked outside, to where Luke was already sitting under the force tree, still as a statue. He’d been there since sunrise. “I should probably join him,” said Rey, as she drained the last of her caf. “Luke’s taking me down to see the old Rebel base today, you wanna come?” 

He shook his head, “No, thanks.” 

Instead, Poe found himself in the barn, standing in front of Shara Bey’s old A-wing. His heart leaped into his throat, same as it always did, when he pulled off the dusty tarp that covered it and the memories came flooding back. Poe ran his hands along the hull, remembered what it felt like that first time taking the controls, standing between his mom’s knees. He was hooked from the start. 

Poe hauled himself up into the cockpit, ran through the starting sequence, but nothing powered up. He grimaced, feeling a little guilty having let the ship get into disrepair. He spent the day tinkering with it, getting it running again, until the unmistakable smell of his dad’s stew wafted into the barn. 

When Poe woke that night with the image of Kylo Ren’s outstretched hand lingering in his mind, he sighed heavily and threw a blanket over his shoulders and went outside. 

Poe pressed his palms flat against the trunk of the force tree, felt the rough bark under his fingertips. He looked up at the stars winking through its shimmering leaves. It was beautiful, like it always was. But like always, all he could feel was a tree, just like any other -- nothing of what kept Luke coming back all those years, nothing of what Rey apparently felt now, too. 

He splayed his fingers wide, trying to cover more surface area, thinking maybe -- maybe -- he would feel more, feel what Luke and Rey did. But he didn’t.

He heard the backdoor creak open, heard soft footfalls behind him. “Couldn’t sleep again?”

Poe shook his head. Kes held up a bottle -- his moonshine again. “Drink?”

They sat together on the porch, in silence, looking at the tree and listening to the woolamanders calling in the distance. They couldn’t stay silent forever, though. They were Damerons, after all.

“You seeing anyone?”

“Come on, Dad.” Poe took a swig and swallowed hard, his mouth twisting at the taste. “This stuff is vile.” 

Kes gave him a wry smile. “You and your friends didn’t seem to think so when you were a teenager -- if the watered-down bottles in my cabinet were any indication.” 

Poe chuckled at that. “No, I thought it was vile then, too. Just didn’t have many options.”

Kes was undeterred by Poe’s efforts to chance the subject. “So that’s a no?” 

“Little busy right now, Dad.” 

The tree shimmered a little in the starlight. Kes leaned back, looked up at the night sky. “It looks so peaceful from here, I can almost forget.” But the stars were anything but peaceful. Battles were still being fought. “A word of advice -- if you’ll indulge your old man? Don’t put your life on hold for this war.” 

“I’ll think about it.” Poe said, which he knew was about as non-committal as Kes would let him get away with. “Not drinking with Luke tonight?” 

Kes uncapped the bottle and poured himself a little more. “Tonight’s your night.” There was a long pause. “He’s going through a lot, had a rough time with his nephew.” Poe shivered at that, and saw Kes watching him out of the corner of his eye. He hadn’t told his dad the whole story, and he wasn’t sure how much he’s pieced together on his own, how much he’d heard from others.

Kes hesitated for a moment, then said, “You know, he stayed with us for a few days once when Leia had some diplomatic emergency.”

“Who?” Poe asked. Knowing, not wanting to know.

“Ben. The only thing I really remember about him was his constantly drippy nose. Your mom followed him around the whole time with a tissue.”

Poe peered into his glass. It held no answers, and was nearly out of moonshine. “I don’t remember him being here at all.” 

“Of course not,” Kes snorted. “You ran off to L’ulo’s and pestered him while he tried to repair his A-wing. What was it? Burnt-out landing gear or something.” 

“Yeah,” Poe said, because he had no memory of Ben, but he did remember that. “Wait, pestered? I _helped_ him.” 

Kes refilled Poe’s glass. “You were seven, kiddo. He probably would’ve gotten it done a lot faster without your help.” 

Poe nearly reflexively said something about asking L’ulo back at base, before he remembered. If Kes noticed the hitch in his breath he didn’t let on. 

“Let it go, Poe,” said Kes. “Accept that you were a little pain in the ass and let it go.” 

Poe took a long drink and said quietly, “Ben grew up to be a bigger one, though.” 

Poe saw Kes’s grip tighten on his glass, so much so that his knuckles went nearly white. “I didn’t want to press, but. Even if you hadn’t come back like-- the way you did... But then you were off in such a hurry... Anyway, Luke suggested enough that I got a pretty good picture.” He put a hand on Poe’s shoulder. “Are you okay, Kiddo?”

And Poe really didn’t want to talk about it, or didn’t know if he could find the right words, but he owed his dad _something_ for all his worry. But to tell him everything, he wondered if it was more a punishment that Kes didn’t deserve. “He got inside my head, pushed around a bit. He was looking for something.” He could feel tears welling up at the corners of his of his eyes. He should have kept his mouth shut. “When I close my eyes, I can still feel him.” 

“Oh, Poe,” said Kes, and wrapped both arm around him. Poe leaned into the touch. He hadn’t cried in front of his dad since his mom died. He wouldn’t let himself cry long, now. He wiped the tears away as Kes placed a steadying hand on his back, and they went back to sitting in silence, passing the bottle between them.

Kes watched him watching the tree, and saw right through him. “You’re not less because you don’t feel that pull.” And Kes may not know all the details about the interrogation, but he could infer enough. “You’re not less because that overgrown snot factory decided to use your head as his playground.” 

“Part of me knows that. But I still feel like I failed.” 

“There’s so much of your mother in you.” Kes said, and Poe felt like he was going to cry again. “Look ahead, not behind.” He stood then, gathered up the bottle and the glasses. “I’m proud of you. Never won’t be.” 

Poe walked back out under the tree and leaned against its trunk until daybreak. 

They had to leave again, of course, far too soon. A comm from Command came through with a lead on the Knights of Ren, and there was no good reason not to head back to base. Kes left them with a hold full of vegetables and another crushing hug for Poe.

****

Finn tackled both Rey and Poe when they landed, but Rey had to leave almost immediately. Finn told Poe excitedly about the Hosnian colony, how it was going well, and that they’ve brought several new recruits back with them. 

Finn stretched where he was sitting on Poe’s floor. “Anyway, I should get to bed.” Poe felt a tug of regret. Heard the words spill out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Could you stay?” He felt his face go hot and rushed to explain himself. “It’s just. You probably noticed I haven’t been sleeping too well lately.” He ignored Finn’s snort. “And I thought maybe just trying to not be alone might help.”

Finn watched him carefully for what felt like forever before he nodded, then looked around the room, a little unsure. Poe shifted over in his bed. “I don’t bite, I promise. Perfect gentleman.” 

Finn’s eyes narrowed in a way Poe couldn’t read, but he got up and slipped into bed next to him. 

“You really don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.” 

He felt Finn take a deep breath. “Quiet, Poe. You know, sometimes I don’t sleep too well, either.” 

Poe blinked awake in the early morning light, yawned and stretched, and felt something -- some _one_ warm and solid against his back. He turned, found Finn looking back at him. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Finn said, voice deep and scratchy with sleep. 

“Hey.”

“How are you?”

“I slept--” Poe paused. “Really well, actually.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He knew sharing a bed with Finn wasn’t a magic cure to his nightmares, but it certainly seemed to help, at least this once. “Breakfast?”

“Or. It’s still really early. We could just stay here for awhile.”

Poe’s heart thumped harder in his chest. “Good plan.” He nuzzled back into the covers, and smiled to himself when Finn threw an arm over him and tugged him close so they were spooning. He tried not to think to hard about what it meant, about what he _wanted_ it to mean, but he could get used to this. 

Poe dozed for a while longer, but he still was awake again before long. He slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Finn, and went down to the mess. He grabbed a cup of caf for each of them, and muffins, and ran into Karé and Bastian. Karé eyed his tray and its double portions suspiciously but didn’t say anything. 

When Poe got back, Finn was getting dressed. “Didn’t mean to run out on you, was hoping to get back before you woke up.” 

“Oh, no, it’s fine,” Finn said, and gave him the sweetest smile. “Thanks for the muffin.” 

Finn kept staying over. They didn’t talk about what it meant. They nightmares didn’t go away, but Finn was there to ease him back to sleep, and if Finn woke shouting sometimes, too, Poe was there to rub his back until they both drifted off again.

Somewhere along the way, without Poe really noticing, Finn had practically moved in. And still, they didn’t talk about it.

****

“Why aren’t we together?”

“What?” Poe startled from where he was hunched over an X-wing schematic at the desk in his -- _their_ \-- room.

“I mean, everyone thinks we are. I can’t tell you the number of times a day someone just says something and assumes--” he shook his head, “and I have to explain we’re not. And if I’m getting it this bad I can’t _imagine_ that the pilots aren’t giving you an even harder time.” 

Poe rolled up the schematic. Asked carefully, “Is that what you want?”

“If you can’t tell--” Finn started. Stopped. Shook his head. “I want to know what you want.” 

_We’re in the middle of a war_ , he almost said, but he heard his dad echoing in his mind. _Don’t put your life on hold_. “I want us to be together. I should have said something.”

“Why didn’t you, then?”

Poe shrugged. “I’ve been focusing on the wrong things, I guess.” 

“So,” said Finn, lips curling into a smile. “You want to give this a chance?”

“Yeah,” Poe said, happier than he could remember being in while. “I do.” 

“Okay, then,” Finn said, and turned and left. Poe sat there confused for a few beats before he got up and ran after him, catching up with him in the hallway.

“Finn!” Finn turned. “Why’d you leave? I though we were, you know, getting somewhere.”

“Oh!” Finn said. “We were,” and grinned at him. 

And now Poe was really confused. “So what happened?”

“We were just fighting. I didn’t want our first kiss to be after a fight.” 

Poe stepped closer. “Kissing, huh? Is that what we’re going to do?”

“It is what people who are together _do_ , Poe. One of the things,” he amended. 

This was one of the most wonderfully frustrating conversations Poe had ever had. He really couldn’t take it. He stepped closer, licked his lips. “If it helps, I don’t think we had a fight.” 

Finn’s brow furrowed. “No?”

“Minor misunderstanding only. Not even any yelling. And we’re good now, right?”

They were so close now. He saw Finn’s eyes dart down to his lips, and back up again. “Right,” Finn said, distractedly. 

“Okay, then,” Poe said, and closed the rest of the distance between them. 

Finn made a muffled surprised sound, then relaxed into the kiss. Poe slipped a hand under Finn’s shirt, felt the heat of his skin. 

“Wait,” Finn said, pulling back. 

Poe’s stomach dropped. “Sorry, I’m moving too fast, I’ll--” 

Finn leaned in again and cut him off with another kiss. “Can we just go back to the room?” he said, and when he leaned in again, his voice was deep with want. “There are things I’d like to do that aren’t hallway appropriate.” 

“Kriff, yes,” Poe said, and they stumbled back to their room together, barely breaking apart.

****

“You know you don’t have to do this.” It was a few weeks later, the night before each of them was leaving for a new mission. Poe and Black Squadron to Hutt territory for supposed intel on a new First Order base, and Finn going undercover to disrupt the stormtrooper indoctrination program. 

Finn pressed his forehead against Poe’s, and they stood there together, just breathing for awhile. “I do know. And that’s why I _want_ to. I have choices here. I chose to be with you. And I’m choosing to do this.” Finn’s mission was riskier than Poe’s, he would have to board a First Order star destroyer, and the mission hinged on him not being recognized. At the end, if all went according to plan, about two hundred young stormtroopers would be liberated, before First Order conditioning took hold.

Poe pulled him a little closer and said into his hair, “Okay. What can I do to help?” 

Finn let out a small, amused snort. “Worry about your own mission.” 

“That’s probably a good plan.” He closed his eyes and sighed as Finn pressed a kiss into his temple. “So, then. We both focus on our missions, and get back here safe to each other?”

“Yes, definitely,” Finn said, “but neither of us are leaving until the morning.” 

“Well then,” Poe said, taking Finn’s hands in his. “Bed?”

Finn answered him with another kiss, a searing promise against his lips. In the morning, they would say their goodbyes, but tonight, they would enjoy each other.


End file.
